Where in the world is Randy Moss?

Similar to that old Carmen Sandiego TV show/video game in which Carmen’s henchmen were hunted down all over the world, fantasy owners have been struggling to hunt down any information regarding one of their potential top picks in the fantasy draft this season: Randy Moss. If you read the Yahoo! player notes on Moss, you will see the comment:

Aug 30 Moss (left hamstring) was not in uniform for Thursday’s preseason finale, the Boston Globe reports.

Recommendation: Given the fact that he has not been practicing, this is no surprise. Moss is considered day-to-day and was called “real close” by coach Bill Belichick earlier in the week. We’ll follow Moss’ status closely in the days leading up to the Patriots’ regular season opener.

Although I’m not sure that what Yahoo! states as a recommendation is really a “recommendation“, it appears that the Randy Moss mystery will not be solved until Sunday, September 9th, at 1:00 PM when we see if he is suited up against the New York Jets.

In the meantime however, I’ve developed a few theories to explain his absence from all preseason games and from the media in general:

  1. Bill Belicheck has a secret plan that they’ve only been practicing in media-free practices, where Randy Moss runs a streak on the first possession of the game for a 85 yard touchdown. Since everyone thinks he has a hamstring injury, they won’t expect the super-fast, uninjured Randy Moss to shoot down the field with blazing speed. After that first play, the secret is out…but it was all worth it.
  2. Randy Moss has been hanging out with Ricky Williams and the Patriots believe that if they keep him out of the spotlight, he’s less likely to be drug tested.
  3. Moss is faking the injury, so that he isn’t forced to break out his new touchdown dance early, where instead of mooning the crowd, he flashes the audience with his you-know-what painted like a New York Jet “airplane”…similar to Bret’s “outrageous” idea in Flight of the Conchords (watch episode 6 if you’re confused).
  4. It’s just Randy being Randy.
  5. Randy Moss is good friends with Reche Caldwell and feels that if he pretends to be hurt, Caldwell has a better chance to make the roster as they will be forced to keep more depth at the receiver position.
  6. Similar to only playing when he wants to, he also only heals his body when he wants to.

Maybe there’s an official reason, but these are much more likely.